Be like water
Find where you're forcing something that won't move, and the way around it that keeps you moving.
Key takeaways
- Water doesn't argue with rocks. It goes around them, keeps moving, and over time wears them down.
- Wu wei, "non-forcing", isn't doing nothing. It's acting without strain, in step with how things actually move.
- Forcing often backfires: trying hard not to think something brings it back. Ask where you're pushing, what won't move, and what the way around is.
The archive keeper
Legend says the sage Laozi worked as a keeper of archives at the Zhou court in ancient China. Tired of the world, he rode west on an ox. At the border pass, a guard asked him to write down his wisdom before he left. He wrote eighty-one short chapters and disappeared.
Historians doubt the story, and the book was probably shaped by many hands. But the Tao Te Ching has lasted more than two thousand years, and one of its favorite images is water:
“The highest good is like water.”
Water benefits everything and doesn't compete, the chapter goes on. It settles in low places others avoid. And chapter 78 adds the twist: nothing in the world is softer or more yielding than water, yet nothing is better at wearing down what is hard.
Non-forcing
The Taoist name for acting like water is wu wei, often translated "non-forcing" or "effortless action". It doesn't mean doing nothing. Water never stops moving. It means acting without strain, going with how things actually move instead of against them.
Worry pushes the other way. Fix it now. Make them agree. Get to sleep. Stop thinking about it. And forcing often backfires. In Daniel Wegner's famous experiments, people told not to think about a white bear thought about it more than people who were allowed to. Many things, like sleep, trust and calm, can't be grabbed. Pushing for them pushes them away.
So the question isn't how to push harder. It's what won't move here, and what the way around it is.
Question 1 of 2
You've argued with a coworker, and you want to settle it right now. What would water do?
How to do it
When you notice yourself straining
- Where am I forcing?
Pushing, arguing, controlling, trying to make a feeling go away.
- What won't move?
Another person's mind, a feeling that has to run its course, a timeline that isn't yours.
- What's the way around?
Waiting, a softer approach, a different route to the same place, doing the part that does move.
- Keep moving
Yielding isn't quitting. Pick one small thing to do that goes with the current.
Mark and his daughter
Mark's 15-year-old daughter, Zoe, has been quiet and upset for a week. Every evening he knocks on her door and asks what's wrong. Last night he told her he wouldn't leave until she talked. She put her headphones on and turned to the wall. He lay awake thinking that if he just found the right words, she'd open up.
Question 2 of 2
Sources and further reading
- Tao Te Ching, chapters 8 and 78. Many translations, including those by Stephen Mitchell and D. C. Lau.
- Wegner, D. M., Schneider, D. J., Carter, S. R., & White, T. L. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(1), 5-13.
- Slingerland, E. (2014). Trying Not to Try: The Art and Science of Spontaneity. Crown.
Finish the lesson
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