The avoidance trap

Avoiding what scares you makes sense. If parties make you anxious, staying home feels better, straight away. That instant relief is exactly the trap.

By the mid-twentieth century, the psychologist O. Hobart Mowrer had described how fear is kept alive. We learn to fear something, and then avoiding it is rewarded by relief, so we keep avoiding. Each time, the mind takes a lesson: "that was dangerous, and I escaped." And because you're never there, you never get to learn otherwise.

Over time the circle of things that feel manageable shrinks. A worry about one party becomes a worry about all parties, then about meeting friends at all.

Avoidance isn't only staying home:

• Not going: turning down the invitation, not booking the appointment
• Escaping: leaving as soon as anxiety rises
• Putting it off: the email you keep not opening
• Going, but guarded: rehearsing, sticking by the door, keeping your phone out. These are safety behaviors (see Drop a safety behavior).
• In your head: distracting yourself whenever a thought or feeling comes up

Leah gets anxious making phone calls, so she's been texting or emailing instead for a year. Now even short calls feel impossible. What's happened?

Avoiding real danger is wise, and choosing not to do things you don't value is just living your life. The question to ask: is this keeping a fear going that's bigger than the real risk, and stopping me from doing things I care about?

The way out is to approach, gradually: small steps toward what you've been avoiding, staying long enough to find out what really happens. That's what Build a fear ladder is for.