Whose voice is this?
Ask whether a "should" is really yours, or the anonymous voice of what "one" does.
Key takeaways
- Heidegger called it das Man, "the they": the voice of what one does, wants and wears. Nobody in particular, yet it decides a lot.
- Many worries are borrowed timetables: "I should own a home by now", "I should want this". Few were chosen.
- Ask whose standard it is and what you'd want if it were your call. Some shoulds you'll keep, now as your own. Some fall away.
"The they"
In 1927, the German philosopher Martin Heidegger published Being and Time. (His later life is a cautionary tale: in 1933 he joined the Nazi party. This idea has long outlived him.)
He described a force he called das Man, usually translated as "the they" or "the one". It is the anonymous voice of what one does, what one wears, what one wants by a certain age. It belongs to nobody in particular, and yet it quietly decides much of how we live.
“We take pleasure and enjoy ourselves as they take pleasure; we read, see, and judge about literature and art as they see and judge.”
Borrowed shoulds
The they speaks in timetables and defaults: I should own a home by thirty. I should want kids. I should be further along. I should have a "real" job. These shoulds feel like facts about how life goes. Most were absorbed, not chosen.
This is different from needing someone's approval. With approval, there is a person whose opinion you're afraid of losing. The they has no face. Nobody will be disappointed if you don't own a home by thirty. You just feel behind, against a schedule nobody wrote.
Question 1 of 2
Which of these sound like the anonymous "they", and which sound like a real choice of the person's own?
- "By thirty-five you're supposed to have kids, so I should get on with it."
- "I've wanted to be a parent since I was a teenager, and I'm ready to try."
- "I should be on LinkedIn more. That's just what people do now."
- "I post on LinkedIn because it's brought me my last two clients."
0 of 4 sorted
Asking whose voice it is
When a should weighs on you
- Catch the should
Write it down exactly: "I should… by…".
- Ask whose it is
A parent? Your feed? "Everyone"? If you can't name a person, it's probably the they.
- Ask what you'd want
If this were entirely your call and no one would ever know, what would you choose?
- Decide
Keep it as your own, change it, or let it go. Doing the opposite of everyone just to be different is still letting them decide.
Leah's checklist
Leah, 31, rents a small apartment she loves, near friends, and works a job she likes. Since a college reunion, she's been anxious and scrolling real estate listings at midnight. "I should own something by now. Everyone our age is buying. Renting is throwing money away. I'm falling behind." When her partner asks if she actually wants to move, she says she hasn't thought about it.
Question 2 of 2
Sources and further reading
- Heidegger, M. (1927/1962). Being and Time (J. Macquarrie & E. Robinson, Trans.). Harper & Row.
Finish the lesson
0 of 2 questions done. Answer the rest to finish.