Metta: loving-kindness
Deliberately wish yourself and others well, in a set order that ends with someone difficult.
Key takeaways
- Metta means goodwill. You repeat a few simple wishes for yourself, then for people further and further out, including someone you find difficult.
- You aren't trying to manufacture a warm feeling. The repeated intention is the practice, and awkwardness, sadness or anger along the way are normal.
- Goodwill isn't approval. You can wish someone well and still be angry with them, keep your distance, or hold them to account.
The frightened monks
A traditional story tells of a group of monks who went to meditate in a forest and found it frightening. They came back to the Buddha unsettled. He sent them back to the same forest, with a new practice: meet the fear with goodwill rather than resistance.
The teaching they took with them is the Metta Sutta, still chanted daily across the Buddhist world. Its central image is one of the most tender in early Buddhist texts:
“Even as a mother protects with her life her child, her only child, so with a boundless heart should one cherish all living beings.”
How it works
You repeat a few short wishes, silently or under your breath. A traditional set is: "May you be free from hostility, free from affliction, free from distress. May you live happily." Many people use simpler words: "May you be safe. May you be well. May you be at ease."
The classical order, set out by the 5th-century teacher Buddhaghosa, moves outward one person at a time:
- Yourself
- Someone you respect, like a teacher or mentor
- A dear friend
- A neutral person, like the cashier you saw this morning
- Someone difficult
- All beings, everywhere
The order is the point. Each step is a little harder than the last, and the goodwill you find for the easier people carries you toward the harder ones. Buddhaghosa also advised against starting with an enemy. If someone has hurt you badly, stay with the easier people for now.
In studies of loving-kindness meditation, people who practiced it for several weeks reported more positive emotions day to day, and reviews of the research suggest it can increase compassion and reduce self-criticism. The effects are modest and build with practice, not in one sitting.
When it feels wrong
Question 1 of 2
You try metta for yourself, and it feels fake and a little sad. What does that mean?
Anger can turn up too, especially at the difficult person. That is fine. Goodwill is not approval, forgiveness or a promise to let someone back in. You are wishing that they be free of the things that make people act badly, and you can do that from a safe distance.
Try it
About five minutes
- Settle
Sit comfortably, and take a few slow breaths.
- Yourself
Say the phrases slowly for yourself, three or four times. "May I be safe. May I be well. May I be at ease."
- Move outward
Picture each person in turn, and say the phrases for them: someone you respect, a friend, someone neutral.
- Someone difficult
Choose someone mildly difficult, not your worst enemy. Notice what happens when you say the words.
- Everyone
End with all beings, everywhere.
Lena's coworker
Lena tries metta for the first time. Yourself, a mentor and her best friend go fine. Then she gets to her coworker Mark, who presented her idea as his own last week. The phrases stick in her throat. She tries to force herself to feel warmly toward him, can't, decides metta "clearly isn't for angry people", and stops.
Question 2 of 2
Sources and further reading
- Karaniya Metta Sutta: The Buddha's Words on Loving-Kindness (Sutta Nipata 1.8), translated by the Amaravati Sangha. Access to Insight.
- Fredrickson, B. L., Cohn, M. A., Coffey, K. A., Pek, J., & Finkel, S. M. (2008). Open hearts build lives: Positive emotions, induced through loving-kindness meditation, build consequential personal resources. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(5), 1045-1062.
- Hofmann, S. G., Grossman, P., & Hinton, D. E. (2011). Loving-kindness and compassion meditation: Potential for psychological interventions. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(7), 1126-1132.
Finish the lesson
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