Wise mind
Hear out what your feelings say and what your logic says, then find the answer that respects both.
Key takeaways
- Emotion mind runs on feeling: urgent and sure of itself. Reasonable mind runs on logic: cool, and sometimes blind to what matters.
- Wise mind is where they overlap. It usually feels quieter than either, more like a settled "yes, this" than a rush or a lecture.
- Don't pick a winner. Ask each side what it says, then ask what the part of you that knows both would do.
Holding two truths
In the 1980s, the psychologist Marsha Linehan was developing a therapy for people whose emotions hit hard and fast. Pushing them to change made them feel misunderstood. Simply accepting them left them stuck. What worked was holding both at once: you are doing the best you can, and you need to do better.
She called the therapy dialectical behavior therapy, DBT, after that habit of holding two truths together. One of its simplest skills puts the idea into a picture: two overlapping circles.
Three states of mind
DBT describes three states of mind:
- Emotion mind: driven by feeling. Vivid, urgent, certain. "Send it now." "I have to get out of here."
- Reasonable mind: driven by logic and rules. Practical and calm, but it can ignore what you care about. "It doesn't matter how I feel, the numbers say stay."
- Wise mind: the overlap. It takes the feeling seriously and the facts seriously, and decides from both.
Neither of the first two is the enemy. Emotion mind knows what matters to you. Reasonable mind knows what's true and what's practical. Trouble comes when one of them runs the show alone.
Question 1 of 2
Your partner forgot your birthday. Which of these sounds most like wise mind?
Finding wise mind
When you are stuck on a decision or a reaction
- Ask emotion mind
What do I feel, and what does the feeling want me to do? Write it down as it is.
- Ask reasonable mind
What are the facts? What would the sensible, rule-following answer be?
- Pause and drop down
Take a slow breath and let your attention settle in your body, below the noise. Linehan describes wise mind as something you sense more than reason your way to.
- Ask wise mind
Knowing all of that, what would I do? Notice which answer feels settled rather than loud.
Expect it to take a few tries. If an answer feels urgent, it's probably still emotion mind. If it feels like a lecture to yourself, it's probably reasonable mind. Wise mind tends to feel calm, even when the answer is hard.
Jess's offer
Jess has been offered a better-paid job in Denver. She lives in Chicago, near her closest friends and her mom, who has been unwell. Part of her wants to say yes immediately: "I've been stuck for years, this is my chance, I'll regret it forever if I don't." Another part has made a spreadsheet and says the salary, minus the moving costs and higher rent, comes out about even, so it is pointless to feel anything about it.
Question 2 of 2
Sources and further reading
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
Finish the lesson
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