A friend's voice

In 1980, the psychiatrist David Burns published Feeling Good, a self-help book based on cognitive therapy that went on to sell millions of copies. One of its simplest tools he called the double-standard technique.

Burns noticed that people who were kind and fair to others often held themselves to rules they would never apply to anyone else. If a friend said "I'm such an idiot for forgetting," you wouldn't agree. You would remind them that everyone forgets things. Said about yourself, the same sentence can sound like plain fact.

Asking what you would say to a friend borrows the fairer rulebook. It often gives a more accurate answer too, because it is easier to see someone else's situation clearly than your own.

Years later, the psychologist Paul Gilbert, who developed compassion-focused therapy, noticed a problem. Many of his patients could produce a perfectly balanced thought, and it still didn't help. They were saying it to themselves in the same cold, contemptuous voice as the criticism.

So notice how you say it, not just what you say. Imagine the voice you would actually use with someone you care about, and use that one. This isn't about letting yourself off the hook. A good friend will still tell you when you got something wrong. They just won't tell you that you're worthless for it.

Lena gave a toast at her sister's wedding. She lost her place halfway through, laughed, checked her notes and finished. People clapped, and her sister hugged her. That night she can't stop thinking: "I humiliated myself in front of everyone. I ruined her day. I can't do anything right."