Urge surfing

In the 1980s, the psychologist Alan Marlatt at the University of Washington was studying why people slip back into drinking or smoking after deciding to stop. He saw that cravings weren't constant. They came in waves, and people often gave in at the peak, convinced the urge would only keep growing.

Marlatt, who meditated himself, taught a different response: ride the urge the way a surfer rides a wave, without being knocked over. Years later, he and his colleague Sarah Bowen tested it with college students who smoked. Those who learned urge surfing smoked fewer cigarettes over the following week, even though their cravings were no weaker. They still wanted to smoke. They just stopped obeying the want.

There are two usual ways to handle an urge. You give in, which ends it fast and teaches your brain that the urge only stops when you obey. Or you fight it with willpower, gritting your teeth, which tends to make you think about it even more.

Surfing is a third way. You turn toward the urge with curiosity, as something happening in your body, and watch it change. It works for all kinds of pulls: checking your phone, sending an angry text, asking for reassurance, snacking when stressed, checking that the door is locked one more time.

It helps to put a little distance in place first: the phone in another room, the snacks on a high shelf. That isn't cheating. It gives you room to surf.

It's midnight. Sam broke up with his ex two months ago, and they agreed not to talk for a while. Tonight he has scrolled to her name four times. His thumb hovers over "hey, you up?". His chest is tight and he's sure that if he doesn't send something, he won't sleep at all.