Shadow work

In 1913, Carl Jung broke with Sigmund Freud, his mentor and friend. In the hard years that followed, he turned inward and recorded his dreams and fantasies in what became known as the Red Book. Out of that work came one of his best-known ideas: the shadow.

Growing up, everyone learns that some parts of them are unwelcome. Too loud, too angry, too needy, too much. Those parts don't vanish. They get pushed out of sight, and together they make up the shadow: the person you are, but have decided not to be.

For Jung, the shadow wasn't only dark. A child told "don't show off" may bury pride and ambition. A child praised for being easygoing may bury anger, and with it the ability to stand up for themselves. Later Jungians called the buried good qualities the golden shadow.

Jung's ideas come from clinical experience, not experiments, and there is little research on shadow work as a practice. Treat it as a way of looking at yourself, not a proven treatment.

You can't look at the shadow directly. That's the point of it. But it leaves traces:

• Qualities you're oddly proud of never having: "I'm not one of those people who needs attention."
• Qualities you admire in other people a little too much, with an edge of "I could never."
• Flashes of yourself you don't recognize: the sudden temper, the envy at a friend's good news.
• Rules you hold that nobody else seems to need: "I never ask for help."

Two other lessons look at nearby things. Spot the defense is about a feeling being kept out of view right now. Who does this remind me of? is about old relationships replaying with new people. Shadow work asks a broader question about who you are: what did you learn not to be, and what did that cost you?

This is for everyday traits, not for making sense of how someone treated you badly. If a reaction is tied to real harm, that's not your shadow, and it's worth taking to a therapist.

Dan was always the easygoing one. His parents fought a lot, and he learned early that keeping the peace kept him safe. Now 38, he's proud that he never loses his temper. He also lets his business partner make every big decision, says "whatever you think" to his wife about vacations, and lies awake replaying arguments he never had. When a colleague calmly says no to their boss in a meeting, Dan feels a jolt of something close to awe.