DEAR MAN
A script for asking someone for something, or saying no to them, that you can still remember when your heart is pounding.
Key takeaways
- DEAR MAN is for requests and refusals: getting someone to do something, or not do it. It is a script you can follow under pressure.
- Describe the facts, Express how you feel, Assert what you want, Reinforce why it helps. Then stay Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate.
- You won't always get what you ask for. You're more likely to, and to keep your self-respect and the relationship either way.
When I say no
In 1975, the psychologist Manuel J. Smith published a book whose title named a common feeling: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. It was part of a wave of assertiveness training in the 1970s, teaching people to ask for what they need without either caving in or attacking.
Marsha Linehan built on that work for people whose strong emotions made hard conversations even harder. She broke asking into steps simple enough to remember with your heart pounding, and named them DEAR MAN.
It has a narrow job. It isn't for telling someone how you feel in general, or for being blunt. It is for when there's a specific outcome you want from another person: a yes, or acceptance of your no.
The steps
What to say: DEAR
- Describe
The facts, briefly, the way a camera would see them. "The last three team meetings ran 30 minutes over."
- Express
How you feel about it, with "I". "I'm stressed, because I pick up my son at 5."
- Assert
What you want, clearly, or a clear no. "Could we stick to the hour?" Don't hint, and don't make them guess.
- Reinforce
Why it's good for them too. "I'll be more focused if I'm not watching the clock."
How to say it: MAN
- stay Mindful
Keep to your point. If they change the subject or attack, calmly repeat your request, like a broken record. Don't get pulled into side arguments.
- Appear confident
Steady voice, eye contact, no mumbling or over-apologizing, even if you feel shaky inside.
- Negotiate
Be willing to give to get. "Could we do it every other week?" Or ask them: "What would work for you?"
Question 1 of 2
Which is a good "Describe" step?
In real life, you won't say every step out loud, and you don't need to. Writing them out before a hard conversation, even in a few words each, is what makes it easier to stay on track when it gets tense.
Priya's Fridays
Priya works at a coffee shop. For the past month, her coworker Jake has asked her to cover his Friday evening shift, every week, usually by text the same afternoon. She's said yes each time, and missed her climbing group three Fridays in a row. Jake has just texted again: "hey any chance u could take my shift tonight?? 🙏" She wants to say no, this week and in general.
Question 2 of 2
Sources and further reading
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
- Smith, M. J. (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: Dial Press.
Finish the lesson
0 of 2 questions done. Answer the rest to finish.