The reassurance loop
Why asking "are you sure it's fine?" brings relief, and why the relief doesn't last.
Key takeaways
- Reassurance seeking works like checking: an attempt to feel certain. The relief lasts minutes, then the doubt comes back with a new twist.
- Each round teaches your mind the worry was urgent and that asking is how to cope, so the bar for "sure enough" keeps rising.
- Notice the urge, wait before acting on it, and practice leaving the question unanswered: "Maybe, maybe not."
Just one more time
When something worries us, we ask. "Do you think they're annoyed with me?" "Does this mole look normal?" "Are you sure I locked the door?" Usually one answer is enough and we move on.
But when a worry is sticky, the relief lasts minutes, then the doubt creeps back, often with a new twist: "but what if they were just being nice?" So we ask again, and again.
Why it doesn't work
Researchers who study OCD and anxiety, including Paul Salkovskis and Osamu Kobori, describe reassurance seeking as working much like checking: it's an attempt to feel certain. Adam Radomsky's lab found that people check and seek reassurance to reduce doubt, but the doubt doesn't go away.
Certainty is the one thing no answer can give. Each time reassurance brings relief, the mind learns that the worry was urgent and that asking is how to cope with it. The bar for "sure enough" keeps rising.
It hides in many forms:
- Asking a partner, friend or parent the same question in different ways
- Searching online for symptoms or stories
- Rereading messages to check how someone felt
- Replaying a conversation in your head to make sure it was okay
- Asking an AI, Maya included. She'll answer once, then help you notice the pull to ask again.
The same question can be either. Sort each one.
- Asking your partner for the third time today if they're still happy with you
- Asking a coworker once what time the meeting starts
- Rereading a friend's message to make sure they weren't annoyed
- Asking a pharmacist whether two medicines are safe together
0 of 4 sorted
Breaking the loop
Notice the urge to ask, and wait before acting on it. Even a few minutes teaches your mind that you can hold the doubt. Over time, try letting the question go unanswered: "Maybe, maybe not. I'll live with not knowing." The anxiety rises, then usually settles on its own (see Anxiety rises and falls).
People close to you can help, if you agree on a script together. Instead of answering, they might say, "I can see the worry is loud right now. I'm not going to answer that, but I'm here."
Sources and further reading
- Parrish, C. L., & Radomsky, A. S. (2010). Why do people seek reassurance and check repeatedly? Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 24(2), 211-222.
- Kobori, O., Salkovskis, P. M., Read, J., et al. (2012). A qualitative study of the investigation of reassurance seeking in obsessive-compulsive disorder. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 1(1), 25-32.
- Salkovskis, P. M., & Kobori, O. (2015). Reassuringly calm? Self-reported patterns of responses to reassurance seeking in obsessive compulsive disorder. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 49, 203-208.
Finish the lesson
Answer the question above to complete the lesson.