Whose task is this?
Sort out which part of a situation is yours to do, and which belongs to someone else, like what they think of you.
Key takeaways
- A lot of worry comes from trying to do other people's tasks for them, like making sure they approve of you.
- The test: who ultimately lives with the result of this choice? That person owns the task.
- Do your own task fully. Let other people have their reactions. That's not coldness: you can still care, help and listen.
Adler, rediscovered
Alfred Adler was a Viennese doctor who joined Sigmund Freud's discussion circle in 1902. Within a decade they had fallen out: Adler thought Freud put too much weight on the past and on sex, and too little on our goals and our relationships with other people. In 1911 he left and founded his own school, which he called individual psychology.
For much of the 20th century Adler was less famous than Freud or Jung. Then in 2013 the Japanese philosopher Ichiro Kishimi and writer Fumitake Koga published The Courage to Be Disliked, a dialogue about Adler's ideas between a philosopher and an anxious young man. It has sold millions of copies. The idea readers remember most is the separation of tasks.
The test
For each part of a situation, ask: who ultimately lives with the result of this choice? That person owns the task.
Preparing your presentation well is your task. Whether your manager likes it is theirs. Telling a friend the truth kindly is yours. How they feel about it is theirs. Your teenager's homework is their task, even though you'd love it done.
Worry piles up when tasks get tangled: when you try to manage what others think of you, or let others decide things that are yours to live with. Separating them doesn't make you stop caring. You can still help, listen and offer. You just stop trying to control what was never yours, and put your energy into what is.
Question 1 of 2
You're telling your parents you're leaving law school to become a nurse. Whose task is each part?
- Deciding whether to switch
- Telling them honestly and kindly
- Whether they're disappointed
- What they say to their friends about it
0 of 4 sorted
How to do it
Untangling tasks
- List the parts
Write down everything in the situation you're worrying about.
- Sort them
For each, ask who lives with the result. What someone else thinks or feels is never your task.
- Do yours fully
Put real effort into your part. Separation isn't an excuse to do less.
- Hand theirs back
Stop rehearsing, checking or managing their part. If you notice yourself doing it, say "that's their task" and come back to yours.
Sophie's wedding toast
Sophie is giving a toast at her best friend's wedding. She has rewritten it eleven times. She keeps imagining the groom's parents finding it too casual, her friend's ex-boyfriend (who'll be there) thinking she's trying too hard, and the whole room going quiet after her jokes. She has started asking people in her group chat to vote on each line.
Question 2 of 2
Sources and further reading
- Kishimi, I., & Koga, F. (2018). The Courage to Be Disliked. Atria Books. (First published in Japanese, 2013.)
- Adler, A. (1927). Understanding Human Nature. Greenberg.
Finish the lesson
0 of 2 questions done. Answer the rest to finish.