STOP
Put a pause into the few seconds before you react: Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully.
Key takeaways
- Most of the things we regret saying or doing happen in a few seconds. STOP puts a pause into those seconds.
- Stop. Take a step back. Observe what is going on inside you and around you. Then Proceed mindfully, toward what you actually want.
- The pause can be short. A few seconds and one breath are often enough to turn a reaction into a choice.
A few seconds
In 2011, Marsha Linehan, the psychologist who created DBT, told an audience at the Institute of Living in Connecticut something she had kept private for decades. As a teenager, she had been a patient there herself, for more than two years. She had vowed to get out, and then to help others get out.
DBT is built from practical skills for the moments when emotions take over. STOP is one of the simplest. It exists because so many regrets come from a few seconds: a message sent, a door slammed, words you cannot take back.
Four steps
STOP
- Stop
Freeze. Don't speak, type or move yet. Your feelings will push for action. Hold still anyway.
- Take a step back
Take a breath, or literally step away: put the phone down, leave the room for a minute.
- Observe
Notice what's happening inside you (anger, a hot face, a racing heart) and around you. What are the actual facts? What are others doing?
- Proceed mindfully
Ask what would make this better, not worse, and what fits what you want from this situation. Then do that.
Question 1 of 2
Someone criticizes you in a group chat and you're about to fire back. What's the first step of STOP?
Proceeding mindfully doesn't mean doing nothing or swallowing your reaction. Sometimes the wise next step is to say something firm. The difference is that you chose it.
Echoes in other traditions
- Stoicism
Epictetus advised that when something provokes you, you should gain time and delay, and you will find it easier to master yourself.
- Mindfulness
The three-minute breathing space from mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is a longer version of the same pause.
Ana's landlord
At 11pm, Ana gets an email from her landlord: a neighbor has complained about noise, and "this is your final warning." Ana had friends over until 9 and has been reading quietly since. Her face is hot. She has already typed half a reply that begins "Are you seriously accusing me" and her thumb is over the send button.
Question 2 of 2
Sources and further reading
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
- Carey, B. (2011, June 23). Expert on mental illness reveals her own fight. The New York Times.
Finish the lesson
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